I have been putting this post off simply because I have struggled to find the right words to do this moment justice. Let me just say.. never will an experience ever be as magical and large as the experience of becoming a mother. Nate became more of my prince charming that day, the sun shined a little brighter, and my heart grew to be more full than I have ever known. Life found its purpose and had finally begun.
So... here is the story...
At about 38 weeks I was told I had dilated to a 3. Not sure what that meant, but knowing it sounded good, I became determined to get the baby out ASAP. Pregnancy really was not for me, and I was so anxious to meet my little man. So, my daily "walk the baby out" walks became TWO 30 min. walks a day, and I was trying just about everything in the books to get the labor started.
Friday night (May 30th) I had been up pretty much all night with contractions. Nothing to rush me to the hospital, but enough to keep me awake. By Saturday morning I was pretty convinced it was happening soon, so I popped out of bed at 6am and took my shower (had to have fresh hair in case baby made his debut that day). Halfway through the shower the contractions stopped and went away for the rest of the day. I was so bummed. But determined to stay on course, Nate and I went for my "walk him out" walk that afternoon around 3 or 4pm. Towards the end of the walk it seemed that my water may have broke. Nate and I booked it back to the house and called Labor and Delivery to ask if that was what it was, to which they said to come on in. As we were walking out the door Nate asked if we should take our hospital bags and I said no. I was so sure it was nothing, and was not prepared to get excited and have my hopes let down. So, I drove us to the hospital and we went to the exam room.
They started doing tests, and after quite a few, determined my water had not yet broken, and I was to go home. The nurse checked me and said I was still at 3.5 centimeters but was 80% effaced, which meant it would be happening soon, but not at that moment. I was a tad discouraged so the the nurse gave us one last hope and said to walk around the hospital a little before we left and see if that changed anything. She left the room, and as I stood up to get dressed, water started gushing all over the floor. We called the nurse who saw what was happening and proclaimed that the the baby was coming, that was my water breaking for sure and we were now to be admitted for labor and delivery.
It was about 6pm at this point, and Nate and I gave each other huge smiles and waddled over to our delivery room. My water kept breaking on every contraction, I was mortified. The feeling of uncontrollable water breaking felt so much like I was peeing my pants, I was completely disgusted. They dressed me in a new gown, started the IV and patossin, and the game began.
Barbara was up in LA in no time. Think she may have broke the record for driving time from San Diego to Los Angeles. The three of us sat in the room anxiously waiting the arrival. Contractions started to get a tad heavier, but I was not dilating very fast at all so they kept pumping me with patossin. After 6 hours of labor, I was still dilated about the same. Everyone kept asking when I was going to get the epidermal, but I was so scared of it, I was on the verge of not doing one at all. Finally the nurse convinced me to get it done right away so that I could get some sleep since the baby was not going to come until the morning. So... I did it. Painful. I was shaking like a leaf the entire time, and though everyone in the room tried hard to keep light conversation to calm me- I freaked out the entire time. The doc hit a nerve on the first try which about threw me through the roof, but after a second try and all his jazz, the numbing started to work, and I was relaxed. The numbing never really took to the right side, but numbed it enough that I could manage. I actually kind of liked being able to feel it a tad, helped me gage where we were with things.
Sleeping was not really happening at this point, but we all managed to doze in and out of sleep. However after the epidermal I was far more relaxed and started to dilate fast. By 8am the nurse had me start the pushing (after I insisted on brushing my teeth. She said its time to push, I said couldn't do it until I had brushed my teeth. Cant be meeting my son with bunk breath) and by 8:39am my little Carter was born.
Pushing was an incredible experience. Physically one of the hardest things I have done, but it was rewarding and powerful to be able to do it. After Khodai came in the room, she had me do one test push to show her my skills, told me not to push at all again. After just a few pushes later, she handed me my son. What an experience. I remember hearing once to be mindful that when a baby is born, they too have just gone through a traumatic experience, and their whole world gets flipped upside down. The only things this new world will provide that has some similarities are the smell, sound and touch of his mother. This really hit home and as soon as they placed Carter on my chest, all I could think of was the tremendous responsibility I had to soothe my crying babe. He immediately grasped tight onto my finger and our noses about touched as he gazed into my eyes and I talked him into a calm state. I will never forget that moment for as long as I live. There were medical things going on with my body still, family taking pictures, questions being asked, things being shouted out... but for me and my son, the world stopped and it was just he and I. I had never felt the love that came pouring into my heart and never could have imagined the magic that is holding your child for the first time.
From that point forward I pretty much blanked out every single thing that had happened the rest of the day. I literally have zero memory of anything. By day two, Carter started to find his voice, nursing started to become real, and exhaustion was setting in. By the time we were ready to take our little man home, Nate and I were wide eyed and dazed. Let the fun begin...
Carter- you have come into our lives and hearts and there is no way we could have prepared for the incredible spirit you are and love you bring. You have already in a short time pushed me to greater heights and taught me more than I could have imagined. I look at you and I see my heart, my future and my dreams. I am so very proud to be your mother and will love you more than myself forever. Thank you for choosing me to be your mother. I can never repay you for being my son, but I will spend my life trying my hardest. You are my world little man, and I love you endlessly.
Sleeping was not really happening at this point, but we all managed to doze in and out of sleep. However after the epidermal I was far more relaxed and started to dilate fast. By 8am the nurse had me start the pushing (after I insisted on brushing my teeth. She said its time to push, I said couldn't do it until I had brushed my teeth. Cant be meeting my son with bunk breath) and by 8:39am my little Carter was born.
Pushing was an incredible experience. Physically one of the hardest things I have done, but it was rewarding and powerful to be able to do it. After Khodai came in the room, she had me do one test push to show her my skills, told me not to push at all again. After just a few pushes later, she handed me my son. What an experience. I remember hearing once to be mindful that when a baby is born, they too have just gone through a traumatic experience, and their whole world gets flipped upside down. The only things this new world will provide that has some similarities are the smell, sound and touch of his mother. This really hit home and as soon as they placed Carter on my chest, all I could think of was the tremendous responsibility I had to soothe my crying babe. He immediately grasped tight onto my finger and our noses about touched as he gazed into my eyes and I talked him into a calm state. I will never forget that moment for as long as I live. There were medical things going on with my body still, family taking pictures, questions being asked, things being shouted out... but for me and my son, the world stopped and it was just he and I. I had never felt the love that came pouring into my heart and never could have imagined the magic that is holding your child for the first time.
From that point forward I pretty much blanked out every single thing that had happened the rest of the day. I literally have zero memory of anything. By day two, Carter started to find his voice, nursing started to become real, and exhaustion was setting in. By the time we were ready to take our little man home, Nate and I were wide eyed and dazed. Let the fun begin...
Carter- you have come into our lives and hearts and there is no way we could have prepared for the incredible spirit you are and love you bring. You have already in a short time pushed me to greater heights and taught me more than I could have imagined. I look at you and I see my heart, my future and my dreams. I am so very proud to be your mother and will love you more than myself forever. Thank you for choosing me to be your mother. I can never repay you for being my son, but I will spend my life trying my hardest. You are my world little man, and I love you endlessly.
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